"Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up”  ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

We tend to think that fear is what keeps us from doing things: that fear inhibits our abilities and puts limits on ourselves.  This isn't exactly true.  Fear wakes  us up gives us that rush of an "oh my gosh this is scary" moment.  But it is ourselves that limit our abilities because we are afraid of them.  It is not the fear itself that shuts us down but ourselves.  We think and fester on the fear and let our minds make it worse than it actually is in reality.

When we face our fears there is a sense of accomplishment, power, and control.  We get exhilarated and excited that we accomplished something and overcame a fear.  Our fears wakes us up to the fact that there is something else in this world, bigger and even scarier than ourselves.  There is something we cannot control, but it is something we can overcome and become stronger because of it.  There are plenty of things in life to be afraid of and the extent of that fear depends on the person and their experiences.  I was once afraid of water because at a young age before I could swim, I fell into the deep end of a pool.  Now you need to drag me out of the water.  Even then I was afraid of the ocean and the waves, but once I stepped foot in that water and began to feel confident, I lay there and let the waves carry me away (I make sure I can easily get back to shore of course).  But those are fears that woke me, woke a passion to overcome that fear and enjoy one of the wonders this world has to offer.

 We like to think that our fears keep us from accomplishing things.  Granted sometimes they might keep us from putting ourselves out there, keep us from taking that risk.  But at the same time doesn't it make you want that thing even more?

“You cannot be a mountain climber and a dumbass” ~ Mr. Harper at Harper’s General Store

Mr. Harper is an older gentleman who runs Harper’s general store in Seneca Rocks West Virginia.  I overheard him telling this to a young group looking for lessons on mountain climbing.  For some reason it did strike me as profound and you can look at it for different aspects of life not simply mountain climbing which is what this gentleman obviously meant it to be.

Seneca Rocks, West Virginia

Throughout life we have all kinds of mountains that we need to climb and overcome.  Some mountains are small while others tower above our heads.  Sometimes we learn the lessons we need in order to climb these mountains.  Other times we think we know to get on top and act like fools or as Mr. Harper said “dumbasses”.  What happens then?  One way or another we end up getting hurt and not completely making it out on top.  Regardless of whether we have to tools to climb or not the mountain always looms over us appearing higher than it is, but then once you get to the top, it is the greatest feeling in the world.

We tend to think we can handle anything and don’t need instructions for anything including overcoming hardships.  We act stupid sometimes and do stupid things.  We do things that will cause us to stumble and fall.  Things that inhibit us from making it to the top.  Sometimes the climb has a slight trail to follow, but we want the shortcut.  Other times we need to scale the sides of the mountain and then we look at the trail wishing we can take it.  Sometimes we think we can  handle it all on our own without help of any kind.  Then we get to a point where we don't know what to do and stumble or get lost.  Along the way we do stupid things, listen to the wrong people make the wrong decisions, but that is all a part of being humans and learning the process.

With what Mr. Harper was saying you cannot be a mountain climber and do dumb things.  You cannot climb the highest mountains without knowing what you are doing.  The same for climbing the mountains of trials in our lives; we need some idea of how to proceed with caution and do things right rather than running headfirst into the side of the mountain.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one.”  ~ John Lennon

John Lennon is probably one of my favorite people for various different reasons.  He was a dreamer, he believed that we would be able to live as one.  Live as a unified people and move past our differences.  We are too focused on things we have different and people think those of us who hope that one day we can get past those differences and live as one, live unified in the fact that we are different and that's the beauty of the human race.

Many of us dream of one day living as one, but the reality of that will never come to pass.  There is always going to be a group who hates another for one reason or another.  We will never see each as equal.  We move past one hurdle and overcome one stereotype and hatred only to come across a new one.  Is it human nature to need something to "disapprove" of? Something to not like, something to judge another based on?  I find it hard to look at someone and not like them or judge them based on things they cannot control, or even things they can control.  Who am I to say something is not right?   I could be doing something wrong, I am sure of it.  Does that make me a dreamer like Lennon?

While I dream and hope for a day when we all can accept one another for who were and appreciate the differences in one another that make the world go round, I doubt it will ever happen.  There will always be something that stops us from accepting one another.  Its kind of sad when you think about it.

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

 

There are a lot of moments in life that we need to just stop thinking and put trust in something or someone.  We need to have faith that things will turn out alright, the way it is supposed too.  Too often we want to know what is going to happen.  We too quickly lose faith in things when something bad begins to happen.  We look at things and think they are impossible and though sometimes we try to tackle those moments, but other times we simply give up.  No one does anything with blind faith and trust anymore.  It seems one needs to always something as proof, something tangible that things will work the way they're supposed to work. 

We no longer put faith in things; not even doctors.  We constantly question everything, asking for a second opinion on this or that.  We hear some not so savory news and automatically assume the worse and expect a bad outcome.  Years ago I had the pleasure of having a long discussion with my uncle before he had passed away.  We were talking about how we were able to continue fighting cancer (he fought for three years, I for a year).  His statement will stick with me forever; he said "I only do it through faith that it will all work out.  If I have focused on the negative, I would have given up long ago.  Faith keeps me going; I don't understand how someone can endure hardships like this without it."  Faith is something we all need from time to time if not all the time.  We need to put our trust in something and hope for the best rather than continuing to expect the worse.  We need to trust people in order for them to trust us.  Too often we look at others and wonder when they will betray us, and I admit I do that a lot.


Without faith in anything, I'm not saying faith in God or religion or anything like that, but just simple faith in all things, that things will work out and the hardships will end, how do we make it through them?  How are we able to endure all the hardships of life and continue to keep going?  How can look at life and see that good rather than the negative and wonder "why me"?  Without trust in people how will we grow together?  How will we be able to not only understand those around us, but ourselves as well?  How can we survive in this world?

And of course we all need some pixie dust so that we can soar above the clouds.  Who wouldn't want a little pixie dust from time to time?

“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” ~ Martin Luther King

During our troubles and struggles, we think things look so bleak and dark.  We don't think there is anything worth seeing, anything with beauty.  Sometimes though it is during those dark times that we need to open our eyes and see the stars shining bright.  We learn things, experience things, and grow through those dark moments.  The stars shine the brightest on the darkest of nights, couldn't we shine the brightest during our darkest of times?  During our darkest times we exhibit our strength, faith, perseverance, and become all the more stronger because of it.  If we didn't go through those times we wouldn't know the strength we have within, and sometimes we still don't see that strength, but it is still there.

We all have gone through and will continue to go through periods of darkness.  One time may be darker than the next, but each time we manage to make it through to dawn.  We never know what life is going to throw at us, which means we can never be fully prepared.  I think that is what makes things so hard to handle, we never know what to expect or how to fight it head on.  No one wants to have cancer, no one expects to lose a loved one, but we all experience those dark times. We look at those times as if they are bad experiences, but what if they are good?  What if it is because of those experiences that we are the people we are?

Maybe we need to travel through the darkness in order to find our dawning light.  If we sit and wallow in our despair and night, then we won't progress.  We won't find the morning and then be able to appreciate the beauty that was within our darkness.  When we look back on those times with new eyes we can see the stars and see the goodness that will come from that experience.  But for some reason we do find that hard to do.  I wonder why.  Why do we find it so darn hard to see the good that comes from troubled times?  The strength we gain or the new people we have become?

“To go through hurt, you have to stumble on the rocks in order to walk on solid ground.”
―Alyssa Tillmon

Throughout all of life’s trials and hurts we stumble; we fall.  We don’t know where to place our footing and which place is safe to step.  It’s an intricate dance with a difficult partner.  Because we are consistently walking on a rocky path, they shift and move making it harder to find our way to solid ground.   Now and again we are even looking around for the solid ground that we are not paying attention to where we are stepping which causes us to stumble even more.  Each time we stumble it hurts all the more.  We scrap ourselves time and time again, opening old wounds and creating new ones.  There are times when solid ground doesn’t seem to be within reach. 

As soon as we clear those rocks though and plant our feet onto to solid ground; it’s a time of rejoicing.  We may come out with scrapes, bruises, and brokenness; but at the same time it feels as though we come feeling new and improved.  Feeling stronger than before.  Often times we look back at the rocks and places we stumbled and see the beauty they hold.  Possibly even become thankful we staggered.  Sometimes falling and opening new and old wounds help us find that solid ground and be even more thankful that we have found it.  Although a lot of the time we find the solid ground and end up wondering when the next rocky path will appear.  So much so that we cannot appreciate what we have accomplished.

Throughout life we are going to go through periods where we will go through hurts and pains, but they are a part of life.  They are what helps teach us how to handle each situation.  Sure we will stumble, sure we will fall and get hurt more.  But with each pain and heartache we get stronger and learn what really matters and how to heal ourselves.  Those rocks that seem to jump out of nowhere are sometimes the things that keeps us going each day.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There are a few things in life that we are promised without a doubt.  Things that no matter who  you are, what walk of life you are in; you will experience it.  One of those things is suffering.  That is simply a part of life; things we don’t want to admit to anyone.  We watch people going through heartache or trial and we tend think “I don’t know how I’d handle it if that was me” or even “Glad that’s not me”.  How many of us have thought the latter?

Occasionally we need to endure suffering and mourn over loss (no matter what that loss is) in order to appreciate what we have and what we will see happening in the future.  We don’t like admitting when something difficult comes our way.  We tend to want the suffering and hardships to happen to someone else or in a movie/TV show, not ourselves.    We need to endure those moments so that we can fully appreciate when something good happens, when we are blessed.  We cannot avoid suffering, heartaches, pain and any other bad thing we want to try and avoid.  It is all a part of this wonderful journey we call life.  How you address those moments and handle them are what truly matter.

We need to accept that we will endure these things.  Accept that we will walk the valley of death, depths of hell whatever you so choose to call it.  We will mourn over things, we will cry our hearts out, we will scream out in pain.  But we need to experience those things, we need to endure them.  It’s a horrible thing to admit and hard to admit, but we need to go through them and try our damnedest to not abandon hope.

“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Those of you know really know me know I were my heart on my sleeve.  I am a highly emotional person to the point of being able to feel another person’s emotions as well; sometimes.  There are times when I am at the mercy of my emotions, they take over and all I feel is emotions sometimes it’s overwhelming to the point where I want to do nothing but escape them.  I do not want to be a slave to emotions as Wilde states in his novel, but sadly I am.  Too often I am ruled by my emotions and a lot of the things I do and think are results of my emotions.  I hate that about myself, I hate that I am so emotion driven and my heart is on my sleeve.  Makes it easier for me to be hurt and crumble back into oblivion.


I have been told it is a bad thing to be emotionally driven and to have my heart on my sleeve, but it is a part what makes me who I am.  I can tap into those easily accessible emotions to write even though I haven’t written anything in years. A lot of my choices and actions are driven by my emotions which can become so incredibly passionate at times that I cannot think of anything else.  I hate that.  I do not want to be dominated by my emotions and sensitivity; it should be vise versa.  How does one control such a vital part of themselves?  I cannot just ignore them or pretend that they don’t exist.

While it is easy to make me happy {I am probably one of the easiest people to make happy), it is also easy to cause me pain.  As I get older, and the more pain I go through it seems it is all the more easier to cause me pain.  And I am at the mercy of those emotions; I am ruled by them and I am not entirely sure on how to escape that trend to be able to dominate them and use them to my advantage.  I try to use my emotions to my advantage in my writing but it never works, I tend end up getting consumed by them and thrown into an abyss of my own thoughts and pain. Maybe that’s why so many authors of the past had drinking problems…I do have love for rum and whiskey.

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin.” ― Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

In order for someone to help heal your wound, you need to allow someone to get close enough to know what those wounds are. You need to let down the walls and other barriers and be vulnerable even for just a second. Sometimes we need to decide whether or not a person is worth being vulnerable for and if you want to take the risk of starting to allow someone in and allow them to see those dark corners of yourself. A lot of the times allowing yourself that moment of vulnerability is what ends up causing pain, but the question is, was that moment worth it? Did that moment cause another wound or did it help heal even if it was the tiniest of tiny bits.

Giving up those barriers and walls is, in my eyes, an incredible gift to give someone. You are allowing them a way into your world, even if they may not know it. It is a scary thought allowing someone in again, allowing someone to begin to get close to you. Sometimes I wonder if it is something you are conscience of, letting those barriers down. Half the time I don’t realize I let barriers down until I get hurt, recently happened: began letting barriers down. Do I want to be vulnerable and have my guards down? Goodness no, terrified of going through the heart ache and being wounded all over again. While letting someone in seems so terrifying and can cause more heartache, in time someone comes along that helps heal those wounds and make those scars fade away.

Getting close to someone means you need to let them into all aspects of you. For me all I think about is what has already been broken, I’m screwed up for whoever decides I am worth the risk. I know I am broken and at times wonder how I can ever be healed after all I have been through. I can think of only 1 person who knows it all and even then that person doesn’t know it all. How can I let someone new in? How can I forget the fears and worry to let myself be vulnerable once again?

"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing." ~  Rollo May

We communicate with people on a daily basis in different forms. The way we communicate with a co-worker is different then how we communicate with a family member, or doctor, or even someone we feel is special. It is the only way we can build any sort of relationship with someone. So much can be said about a person based on how they communicate with another person, you can see what they value, what they are passionate or dispassionate about. Communication is one of the ways one builds and earns trust and also a way one can lose that trust/respect. The best way of understanding a person is talking with them communicating emotions, thoughts, desires. From that understanding comes intimacy and valuing one another. Intimacy is not specifically sexual intimacy, though there is a sense of intimacy there it is a different type; maybe a blog for another day.

Communication can relay so many different messages and not just what is being said but how it’s being said, words that are chosen, even non-verbal cues can relay a different message than the words themselves. Ever watch a person while they lie and see how they act differently as opposed to telling the truth. How about looking into the eyes of someone you love while they say those words to you as opposed to mom saying them. There is a huge difference in the meaning and how each are interpreted. But regardless of who is communicating, or what their message is there is a sense of value and understanding. When you communicate emotions/feelings, thoughts etc. you are letting someone into your “world” whether it is happy and cheerful or dark and bitter.

Just the other day, I had a conversation with someone about passions being the driving force in life and how those passions can communicate our darkest thoughts. Communication can help us be stronger in different situations because we talk about the trials and struggles we deal with on a daily basis. Some of us feel as though we have been to Hell and back more times than we can count (yes I feel as though I have). But talking about them tapping into those emotions to communicate and create something like art, music, or a piece of writing creates a strength we didn’t know we have. Even more so when we tap into that experience and let someone else in on the pain you’ve felt. It makes you all the more vulnerable to them. While that is a scary thought; me being a person who is driven by emotions and communication am waiting for that person I can let in, that person I can reveal the darkest corners too. But that too is a subject for another post.

“No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side.  Or you don't.”    ― Stephen King, The Stand


So often we go through tribulations that affect who we are as people.  They change our outlooks, way of thinking, even sometimes the way we act.  Others in our lives sometimes try and figure out why these changes were made and try to analyze or compare us to who we used to be.  So often we hide what we are going through, even if we don’t other people cannot see the inner turmoil we go through on a daily basis.  The changes within us are exactly that it is within ourselves.  We cannot pinpoint the exact moment when the change occurred. We cannot say “It was this exact point when this happened” As King said in his book “there are no maps of the change” there is no way we can determine when the change occurred because it is a gradual process.

We are always trying to analyze things not just within ourselves but within those around us, but how can we do that when cannot see the personal hell each person goes through.  There are things I am sure all of keep hidden even from our best of friends and spouses.  Many times we cannot even see the personal hell we go through because we either try to hide from them or put on a  happy face and pretend they aren’t happening.  A lot of tribulations we deal with we can’t find our way through until we come out the other end a changed person.  I know with my tribulations I didn’t notice the changes that were being made.  Almost 7 years later I look back and realize I am a different person because of the things I have been through, they helped mold me and make me into who I am today.  I cannot pinpoint the exact moments, I can say which trials helped mold me, but as far as what trials changed what I cannot say.

That’s how life works.  There is always going to be mountains to climb and valleys to pass through, but you cannot map out the course and determine when you will hit trouble or when you will come out of it, or even what that trouble will do to you as a person.  You kind of have to put faith in whatever you believe in even if it is faith in yourself to make it through to the other side.